I’ve got a problem: about 4 months ago my stepdad was declared clinically depressed. Yes, complete with a fanfare and a knight tournament, for anyone who may care. At first me and my mother kind of had no reaction at all. Now before you call either one of us an asshole, which you are totally entitled to do, know that both of us had been through a depression. Both of our depressions were products of something experts call: “real traumatic shit.” My mother’s life was filled with domestic violence, carried out by her father, and I experienced the afterquakes of those beatings through my other stepdad, along with some other shit.
So when my current stepdad, who has had the perfect life. I’m really not kidding, I could not paint you an easier life. He says the toughest time he’s ever had in his life was getting through university, because he couldn’t go to parties. Now I’m not ridiculing him for living the good life, but you can imagine that when they told us he was depressed my mother and I thought that it was pretty much gonna blow right over. Like I said 4 months have passed aaand Oh boy.
Before I get into the whole thing, I’d like to establish the relationships here.
My mom and my stepdad: I can genuinely say they really love each other, plus they’re really good for one another. My mom brings in the action and the spontaneity, and my stepdad stabilizes everything. They work well together, and after the things my mom went through I’m over the moon she’s finally found her rock.
My mom and I: She is the person I love the most in this world. There’s no need to even think about it. We’re inseparable, and not just because my mom has actually saved my life. And I do mean it exactly like you think I mean it.
To complete the triangle, my stepdad and I: I grew up without a dad and bad male role models, so when I was 10 and this kind, little German came marching in my life and wanted to play soccer with me, I fell in love. However, time passed and I changed drastically. So at some point I wasn’t interested in playing soccer anymore, yet my stepdad still just saw me as that little kid who looked up to him and wanted me to stay that way. Obviously I understand that every parent sorta wants this and yes I was also being a little, ungrateful shit. But there is this thing called holding on to tight. So between me being a snot nosed brat and him wanting to forcefully be a role model, our relationship went sour and never found its way back. Not fully at least. I mostly put up an act so that we can get along, it makes my mom happy and I usually get a good meal out of it.
So back to the depression. My stepdad is such a kind man, and really good to my mother, so I’ve been trying, but I’ve been hearing him whine about him being the saddest man on the planet, say he’d rather be paralyzed from the waist down then in his current state, oh and he also firmly states that no one could go through what he’s going through and that we should all be more understanding. It has been quite awhile since I’ve reached my breaking point. The one who held out the longest was my mother, since she’s the one who actually loves him. However, recently my step dad started making fun of my mom, when all she’s trying to do is help him.
How should I treat people? Even before he got depressed I’ve formed so much anger towards the guy. Partly because we live together and I see too much of him. However, he made my mom happy. But, now he’s the person who makes her lock herself in her own room and cry herself to sleep. I’ve literally heard her. Which really made me hate him, but at the same time how do I blame him? He’s depressed, it's not his fault. My mother told me I nearly tore this family apart, when I went through my depression. So what kind of a hypocritical bastard am I that I could ever even hate a depressed person? Yet I’ve never seen my mother, a woman who has raised 2 kids all on her own, without any money, because their biological father couldn’t stay off drugs, alcohol and out of prison, oh and he obviously didn’t pay any child support. Well, I’ve never seen her so exhausted and alone.
So how should I treat him? Should I walk the high-road again? Put up an act and make sure he’s happy? Do I tell him how I really feel and give him something you could classify as tough love? Do I just try to make sure my mom’s okay? Well how do I do that? Make my step dad not depressed. How the fuck do you do that?
A friend of mine said I should just walk the high-road again. But I don’t think she knows how much hatred has been accumulated throughout all those meals. Do you have a person that if you see them your day instantly gets worse? Do you have that person who goes against every fiber of your being? That’s my step dad for me. It’s not his fault that I hate him so much, but I can’t deny that I really wish the guy wasn’t in my life.
Genuinely, I wrote this post because I thought I might figure out an answer through writing, but I still haven’t got a clue. I’m really sorry, but I just had to write it.